Home
by syriala
Summary: The aftermath of Season 8. The angels fell, Cas is human and living with the Winchesters in the bunker, discovering feelings and trying to sort things out. But is he meant to have a home? Destiel. Some angst thrown in and a major character death. Threeshot.
1. Chapter 1

So this is a story in three parts and I will update once a week. It's unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. The characteres are unluckily not mine, I just borrowed them. Enjoy and please let me know what you think.

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Life was good. After Cas fell it was difficult for him because there were so many things that felt different and he had to remember to do things, like eat or drink and he struggled through those first weeks but since he arrived at the bunker it was easier.

Sam and Dean took good care of him and so he got used to being human real quickly. He learned to take care of himself, he learned to accept what happened and he learned to like the way things felt now.

Everything was a bit more present and a bit more overwhelming than it was when he was an angel. Sure he felt the chilly winter wind and he knew what touch felt like but now it was like a barrier was gone. Everything was much more direct and intense than before.

And only now did he notice what he experienced in his vessel and he understood things he barely gave a thought to before. The nagging feeling in his stomach his vessel experienced was hunger. The tingling sensation on his foot when he kicked something was pain. The fluttering motion of his heart whenever he saw Dean was love.

He only realized that last one when he arrived at the bunker. He had plenty of time to experience hunger and pain and cold on his way there. He also experienced fear when he met his fallen brothers and sisters and they tried to kill him for his involvement in Metatron's spell, but friendship and love….those came only when he arrived at the bunker.

The Winchesters took him in without question, without blaming him for what happened and Cas felt like he didn't deserve this and he tried to tell them but they wouldn't listen. Dean said they were all responsible in one way or another and now that Kevin was working on the tablet they would figure out what to do.

When Cas first knocked on their door and Dean opened, looking at him for a few seconds and then pulling him into a tight hug, Cas was concerned for a split moment because it felt like his heart just stopped working but then it picked up a much more rapid pace and Cas was confused.

Only when Dean showed him around in the bunker, leading him into every room and proudly showed him his own room did Cas understand.

His heart was still beating way too fast but now there was also this warmth that filled him and all he wanted to do was to touch Dean and it dawned to him that maybe he had fallen in love with Dean Winchester.

He spent enough time on earth, watching humanity to understand his feelings and he knew enough about Dean Winchester not to say anything. He knew it wouldn't be welcomed.

Cas was given his own room and the day after he arrived they went shopping for him so he didn't have to walk around in clothes he stole and that were too big on him. Dean got him two jeans, a few plaid shirts and good boots and when Cas promised to pay him back he just laughed.

"No need to, Cas", he said. "Just put them to good use and don't ruin them on your first day and it will be okay." Cas nodded, silently counting the times Dean had done something for him without expecting something in return and he came to the conclusion that it was way too often. He would never be able to repay Dean for everything he was, for being the man he was, and it only made him fall harder.

He never acted on his feelings and he didn't behave differently and Dean didn't seem to notice. But Sam started to look at him, to frown whenever he talked to Dean and to smile whenever he touched Dean and Cas thought that maybe Sam did notice. He decided not to tell Sam, though, he didn't want the younger Winchester to keep secrets from his brother and so he said nothing.

A few days after he made that decision Kevin came to him. It knocked at his door and when Cas opened Kevin stood before him, expression serious but unreadable, tablet clutched to his chest. "We have to talk."

Cas moved to let Kevin in and offered him a seat but Kevin walked up and down. "I came to you first because I think it's your business and you should decide what to do and I'm not even sure if it's important but I will tell Sam."

"Okay", Cas said slowly. Kevin stopped and shot him a serious look. "I found the spell Metatron used and I translated it, hoping it would come with a reverse spell."

"We know the spell he used."

"I know, I know, but it's about the ingredients."

"What about them?"

"They're special and there's a reason it had to be your grace." Cas just looked at him, waiting for him to go on. "The ingredients were all about love."

Cas sat down. He had suspected that there was a special reason why Metatron used his grace but only now, when he brought it into context with the other ingredients, did it make sense. But he was not sure if he was ready to hear that from someone else. Sure, he was in love with Dean but deciding that for yourself and hearing it from someone else was something completely different.

Kevin just went on with his explanation. "So the first trial was to get the heart of a nephilim, which is a love child from an angel and a human." Cas nodded. "The second trial was to get the bow of a cupid who is an angel who brings love to humans." Cas nodded again. "And the last trial was to get the grace of an angel in love with a human." Another nod from Cas. "You're in love with Dean."

"Yes, I am."

"You have been for a long time." Cas thought about that. He thought about the fluttering feeling he had in his chest and which he had always misinterpreted a reaction to stress or fear and he realized it had been there from the very beginning. "Yes, I have."

Kevin started to pace again. "Geez, that is crazy, it's…."

"Kevin", Cas interrupted him, "you cannot tell."

That stopped him dead. "But maybe it's important. Maybe we need to know that to reverse it." "Maybe. But we don't know that yet. And Dean doesn't need to know that."

Kevin looked at him quizzically. "Maybe you should tell him." Cas turned away. He would not tell Dean what he felt. He could imagine how Dean would react and he wasn't ready to put him through that. Kevin seemed to understand.

"You have to tell Sam. He's working on this with me and I have to tell him what I found. But this is your thing so you should do it." Cas sighed. "I appreciate that you came to me first. Thank you."

"No problem. Just tell Sam, okay. I have to get this done."

"Give…give me a day, okay?"

"Sure", Kevin agreed. "A day off will do me good", he mumbled as he left Cas' room.

Now it was Cas turn to pace through his room. He knew what he felt and he was okay with it. He was not ashamed of his feelings and he somehow always knew that it would come to this. It seemed inevitable that he fell for Dean. Who else would capture his heart?

But telling someone that was a completely different matter. He could not imagine telling Dean because it would put a strain on their relationship. Dean would feel like he has to answer him or he would change or avoid him and Cas didn't want to put him through that.

Dean seemed happy for the first time Cas knew him and Cas confessing his love would dampen or even ruin that. Telling Sam wouldn't nearly be as bad and maybe it would even help him to finally say it but he wasn't sure.

Cas debated with himself for the rest of the day and couldn't decide.

In the evening it knocked again on his door. "Cas? You alright? It's dinner time…" Cas looked at his clock and indeed it was already 7 pm. He didn't notice how the time went by. He opened the door and Dean was looking concerned at him. "Are you alright, Cas?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry I was thinking and didn't notice how time flew." Dean still didn't look convinced. "What's giving you such a headache?" Cas shook his head and pushed past Dean. "Nothing. It's not important. I'll figure it out for myself." He walked towards the kitchen, feeling Dean close behind him.

During dinner he avoided everyone's eyes and he could tell that Dean was still worried. Sam noticed, too, and tried to distract them. "Kev, did you find anything new on the tablet?"

Kevin shot a glaring look at Cas and then turned to Sam. "I think I'm onto something. I'll probably have something tomorrow." What a nice way to remind Cas of his deadline. As if he could forget that.

"Good. Maybe we'll find a way to get your grace back, Cas."

"Yeah, maybe," he mumbled into his food. He avoided any other conversation, just listening to the others and when they were finished he excused himself.

Now Sam was worried too, he could tell, and this needed to stop. He didn't want them to worry because of him. There was already enough on their minds. So after another two hours in his room he finally decided to tell Sam.

He went looking for him and found him with Dean on the couch in the living-room watching some movie Cas didn't recognize. He stopped in the doorway to watch Dean and Sam argue over some facts. It felt good to see them like that and he smiled.

At some point Dean turned his head a bit and saw him thought the corner of his eye. "Join us?" Now Sam was also looking at him and already made some space on the couch.

"No. I just wanted to talk to Sam for a second."

"Sure. What's up?", he asked and pressed the pause button.

"Err, could we talk outside?" Dean frowned but Sam immediately got up. "Cas, what's going on? You've been strange the whole day", Dean said.

"It's nothing. I just need to talk with Sam about something. Everything is fine I promise."

"If it's nothing you can tell me, too," Dean said and also got up.

"Dean", Sam said. "Why don't you go on with the movie. I'll be back." He didn't wait for a response before he walked into the kitchen. He closed the door behind Cas. "Okay. What's up?"

Cas paced though the kitchen before he stopped and clutched at the rest of a

chair until his knuckles turned white. "Kevin found something on the tablet. He told me first and I'm not sure if it's important but he wants to tell you and he gave me a chance to do it first."

"I don't really understand."

Cas inhaled deeply. "It's about the ingredients for the spell. They essentially…I'm in love with Dean", he finally blurted out.

Sam blinked once and then said: "Okay. But I don't get the context here."

Cas started to pace again. He copied it from Kevin and it was becoming a habit that he had to stop. He forced himself to stand still. "The grace Metatron used had to be from an angel in love with a human. That's why he used me. He needed my grace. Kevin translated the spell and found that out and he wanted to tell you but he came to me first. I'm not even sure it's important now but still. He thought you should know."

He finally stopped talking and looked at Sam.. "Will you tell him?", Sam asked.

"No. Not now. Not….yet." Sam nodded. "I think you should, though. But you have to decide that for yourself."

"So…you're okay with it?" Cas reluctantly asked.

Sam laughed. "Why wouldn't I be? You're a good man, Cas and you're family and I think no one could love my brother better than you."

Cas smiled at that. "Thank you." Sam came over to briefly hug him.

"I will not tell him. Until that part of the spell becomes important, okay?"

"Thanks", Cas murmured.

"You gonna watch the movie with us?"

"I don't know what's it about."

"We'll tell you. Grab a beer and join us."

Cas did as Sam told him and when he joined them on the couch, Dean rewound the movie and didn't ask what they talked about. Cas had to admit that he felt better now that he told Sam and he actually enjoyed the movie.

Life went on like this and everything was quiet. Sam and Dean checked the news frequently to look for fallen angels who decided to go rampage but they didn't find anything and Kevin continued to translate the tablet.

He skipped every meal now and he looked like hell and everyone was worried by the time a week passed.

One evening when they sat at dinner together Kevin barged in, nose bleeding. "I found something, and sorry, it's bad news."

Everyone looked at him worried and Kevin looked at Cas. "As far as I understand your grace was used up during the spell. There's no way you'll ever get it back. I'm sorry. I wish I had better news."

Now three pairs of eyes were looking at Cas and he could tell that they waited for a reaction from him, maybe even a breakdown but Cas felt fine. "That's okay", he said. "I grew quite fond of my human life and how things are."

It didn't seem to matter to Dean that he was okay with that because he obviously was angry. "That bastard", he shouted. "Why would he do that to you? You don't deserve that. He will pay for that, don't worry."

Cas laid a reassuring hand on Dean's forearm. "Don't put yourself in danger by fighting Metatron. It's not worth it."

During their little argument Sam had seated Kevin on the table and got a towel to stop the blood that was still running from his nose. Cas ignored Dean in favor of turning to Kevin.

"You need to slow down, Kevin. You have to take better care of yourself and you need to stop working for a few days."

"I can't, I have to finish the translation", Kevin muffled from under the towel. "I think I'm close to something and the earlier I finish this the earlier you can undo whatever Metatron did."

"But it's no good to us if you're in a coma or dead", Sam said.

"You will take a little holiday and you will eat and sleep properly and when you're back to your full strength than you can go back to work," Dean added and his tone allowed no protest and Kevin shut up.

"Fine", he finally snapped. "But if the angels kill hundreds of innocent people don't blame me."

"We wouldn't", Sam said and briefly looked over at Dean.

Cas could clearly read what Dean was thinking: "It would be on me".

It pained Cas to know that Dean blamed himself for that when it was so very clearly his own fault.

But he didn't comment on it and just watched how the Winchesters took care of Kevin. Dean made him a soup, Sam got him a blanket and then they brought him to his room.

When they came back Dean sighed. "The kid's totally worn down. We should've kept a better eye on him." Sam nodded and got them all a beer. When they sat down at the table the brothers looked concerned at Cas.

Before they could start he already stopped them. "So I'm not going to be an angel again. That's okay. Now we should concentrate on reversing the spell Metatron cast."

Dean narrowed his eyes and looked quizzically at Cas. "You knew. You knew that you wouldn't get your grace back." Cas tilted his head and traced some patterns on the table with his fingers. "I assumed, yes. What Metatron did was a very powerful spell and it needed power to work. The grace is like a little reactor but it has its limits. It was used up during the spell, drained until nothing was left. I never had real hope that I would get it back."

"Why didn't you say anything? This whole time we were going on about how we would get it back for you and you said nothing."

"You would've worried and I didn't want you to. There's no changing what happened and I'm fine with it."

"Of course we would've worried", Sam interjected. "Knowing that there's a way to get your grace back and knowing that it's gone and being human is final is a whole different story. It's a whole different way of coping." Cas sighed. "No it's not. I'm coping just fine. Being human is not as difficult as I thought."

"What about being mortal?", Dean asked. "That's a little scary", Cas admitted. "I have to be careful with nearly everything that I do but until now it worked just fine. I'm okay with this."

Dean scrubbed his face. "Okay. I believe you. But you've gotta tell us those things. You can't just keep them from us."

"Sorry. I thought it wasn't that important."

"Not important?", Dean asked incredulous. "If it's important to you it is to us. And it puts a whole different light on everything. Now we can just gank the bastard instead of getting him to talk."

Cas smiled. "Maybe we should wait until we reversed the spell."

"Yes. That would be wise", Sam hesitated for a second. "And you're really fine?"

"Yes. I am. Stop asking. I expected this, so it's no real disappointment. If this is the way I have to live now I will. It doesn't seem so hard yet."

Dean laughed. "Wait until you get hurt for the first time or fall in love. Then we'll talk again." Sam shot Cas a look but he just smiled. "I'll remember that."

After that they dropped the topic and a discussion about the last movie they watched started.

The next heaven related thing happened a few days after that. Kevin was still on recovering duty so there was no new information regarding the spell. They were still frequently checking the news but either the angels were behaving really good or they were excellent in covering their tracks.

Cas feared that they were looking for him and he asked Dean to escort him into the city. "Sure", he said and folded the paper. "We have to go grocery shopping as well so we can combine that. What do you wanna do?"

"I need to get warded." Dean looked surprised at him. "Good thinking. You should've got an anti possession tattoo the minute you got here."

"I was more thinking about an angel warding tattoo. I think they are the more pressing matter."

"You think they're looking for you?", Dean asked as they got into the car. "I believe so. They felt my grace in the spell and I guess they want to kill me."

"You sound like you've already met some of them", Dean said and briefly looked over at him. "I did", Cas nodded. "I met two on my way here. They were very adamant on making me pay for what I did."

"You have to tell us those things! Didn't we talk about that?" A brief pause. "Were you hurt?"

"I got cut but it healed just fine. But I think I'm putting you in danger so getting warded seemed like a good idea."

"You know that the bunker is warded, right?"

"If it wasn't I wouldn't have come. But I do wanna leave it from time to time."

"What?", Dean asked as they parked in front of a tattoo shop. "You would've stayed away? Would you have told us what happened? How you were?"

"I guess I would have called you. But meeting…I don't' think so." Dean kept himself busy, fiddling with the keys. "Good thing the bunker is warded then."

Cas smiled slightly but it waved a bit when they entered the shop. He heard the buzzing of a needle in the back of the room and he got nervous. "Don't worry", Dean said who picked up the rigid touch in Cas' shoulders. "It won't hurt that much. And I'll be right here." He looked around the shop. "Do you know what it should look like? Where you will get it?"

"Yes", Cas nodded firmly and got a paper out of his pocket. "I've drawn it."

"Good then it shouldn't take that long." They waited until a man emerged from the back of the room. He gave them a look-over and then greeted them. "What can I do for you?"

Cas took a step forward and handed the man the paper. "I would like to get this on my ribs, right here", he said and lifted his shirt to show him. He heard Dean gulp and when he turned around he saw that Dean was looking at some pictures. Cas turned back to the artist. "Could you do that now?"

"Sure", he pointed towards Dean. "He's staying?" "You can wait here, Dean, if you want."

"You sure you can handle this?"

"I'm a big guy, as you say. I think I'll manage." Dean shrugged and seated himself in one of the chairs and Cas followed the man.

It took nearly two hours to complete the tattoo and by the end Cas was clenching his teeth. It was not a very pleasant feeling to get ink under your skin but it was a necessity. When the man, Jack, was done he exhaled deeply, enjoying the silence and the way the pain subsided. He looked at the writing on his chest and relaxed a bit. He was much safer now.

They went back into the first room and found Dean reading in one of the tattoo magazines. His head snapped up when he heard them and then he walked over. "How did it go?"

"Very well", Cas answered. "I should be safe now."

"Great." He turned to Jack. "How much do you get?"

"300$." Dean paid him, yet another thing he wouldn't let Cas do and for which he would probably never be able to pay him back, and they left the shop.

When they got back to the Impala they noticed two men standing at the driver's door. When they saw them they smiled triumphantly and came over.

Cas grabbed Dean's arm to stop him. "Angels", he hissed. "What? How? You just got warded!"

"And that's exactly how we found you. You vanished and we narrowed down the places you could be." "And besides you have a very flashy car", the second one added.

"Hey, careful", Dean said and moved a bit in front of Cas. "What do you want from him?"

"We want to repay him for what he did to us", the man on the right said. "He took our home away and now we're going to take his. We'll make him suffer", the left one spit out.

"Why don't you go after Metatron? He's the one who cast the spell. And besides we're trying to undo whatever he did."

"He's in heaven," the left angel said with barely repressed anger. "We cannot reach him. And Castiel helped him."

"I didn't know what Metatron was doing. He used me. He took my grace." Now both smiled. "You're human", the right angel said. "Easier to kill", the left one added.

"Geez," Dean muttered. "Can you even talk without each other?" he asked a little louder.

"You won't find out"." "Step aside and we'll let you live."

"Yeah, right. Not happening." Dean said and pulled an angel blade from his sleeve. "You won't get him."

The angels just laughed and materialized their own blades. When they barged forwards Dean shoved Cas back, shielding him from them. He tried to fight both of them but after a few seconds one of them came towards Cas. He had his own blade ready but he knew that he probably couldn't take him on a long fight so he hoped this would end quickly.

He dodged the first few strikes and then hit him in the face. The angel stumbled back, surprised, and Cas used that opening to sink his blade into the angel's chest. The grace exploded and he turned around to Dean ready to help him but as he took a step forward Dean also finished the fight.

They stood over the dead bodies and looked at each other, both breathing slightly faster. "You okay?" Dean asked and it was the most ridiculous thing to ask because it was very obviously Dean who was hurt.

"You're bleeding", Cas said instead of an answer and walked towards Dean. "I know", Dean answered and covered the cut on his arm with the other hand. "But are you hurt?"

"No, I'm not. Let me have a look at that", Cas demanded and extended his hand to push Dean's away. It was a deep cut which would require stitches and Cas felt how his stomach clenched. Dean got hurt because of him. Again.

Dean seemed to know what Cas was thinking because he clapped his shoulder. "Don't worry. It's just a cut. It'll heal." Cas nodded but didn't move away. "Come on, we should get back to the bunker. Sam can do the shopping."

"Can you drive with that?", Cas asked worried. "Of course. Like I said it's nothing. Now get in."

"I'm sorry." Cas said after a few minutes of silent driving. "About what?" "Putting you in danger." Cas could practically hear Dean's eye roll. "Don't you dare apologize for that." He didn't say anything else and Cas didn't either.

When they arrived back at the bunker Dean tossed his keys and the grocery list at Sam. "You have to shop. I need stitches."

"What happened?", Sam asked and scrambled to his feet. "Is it bad?"

"Two angels attacked us. I'll live. Stop poking at it", he sighed and pushed Sam's hand away. "Just get going. Or there will be no dinner." Sam turned his attention to Cas. "Are you hurt?"

"No, only Dean."

"Will you stop that? Things happen. People get hurt. It's not your damn fault."

"Dean calm down. Let me stitch you up before I go."

"No, Cas can do it. It's time he learns." Cas swallowed. He was not particularly fond of using a needle on him but Dean allowed no argument. He ushered Sam out of the bunker and Cas into the infirmary.

"You know how to do that?"

"Theoretically", Cas answered and eyed the needle Dean held towards him. "Good. Then let's get it done." He talked Cas through the whole process and in the end he seemed pleased. "That's good work."

"Thanks. Let's not do it again soon, okay?" Dean laughed. "Deal."

They seemed to have taken longer than they realized, or Sam was really fast because he was already in the kitchen, putting away the groceries. "How'd it go? You good?" Dean nodded and selected the things he would need for dinner. "Cas is a natural." Sam smiled at Cas but he felt uneasy with being a natural at stitching wounds up.

"I'll go see through Kevin's notes again. Maybe I'll find some more details about the spell or something." Dean didn't acknowledge him already too busy preparing the meat but Cas nodded. "How is Kevin?"

"Asleep, the last time I checked. He does nothing but eat and sleep."

"He needs it."

"Obviously", Sam said and then he was out of the door.

Cas stayed in the doorway unsure of what to do now and then he went to check his tattoo. It locked exactly like he drew it and the angels confirmed that it worked so he shouldn't worry.

But what if this absence from the angel radar worked against them? What if that led them here and he jeopardized Dean and Sam's safety? He decided that if his tattoo really brought more angel to him he would leave. He would not further endanger Dean and Sam and he would certainly not let them fight his fight. His heart hurt at the thought of leaving Dean but he didn't dwell on it. It was the best he could do.

He changed into something more comfortable and then went back to the kitchen. Dean was still busy with dinner and he didn't notice Cas, who stayed in the doorway, watching Dean and it made him happy.

After a few minutes Dean started to hum and Cas thought that he wouldn't mind seeing this forever. Dean knew exactly what he was doing and so dinner was ready after a short time. He put the plates on the table and still didn't notice Cas.

Only when he got the pan he finally noticed him. He gave everyone a slap of stew and before he yelled for Sam he smiled at Cas. "Come on, sit down. It's your favourite."

Cas heart swelled at those words and before he could stop himself he said: "I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

Ok so this chapter is essentially Dean angsting about stuff, so don't say I didn't warn you.  
This is still unbeta'd so if you find some mistakes, please return them to me. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

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Dean stopped whatever he was doing. He wasn't sure he heard Cas right. He couldn't possibly just have said that. No way.

He tried to say something but Cas interrupted him. "You don't have to say something, I just wanted to tell you. Please don't let that change anything." Dean was way too surprised and overwhelmed to do or say anything and then Sam came in. Dean hadn't really had time to call him but it seemed like he followed the smell.

Dean stood still frozen at the table and Cas still hadn't moved inside the kitchen but Sam didn't seem to notice at first. When Sam sat down he finally realized that something was up because he looked forth between Dean and Cas. "What's wrong?", he asked and that snapped Dean out of his daze.

"Nothing", he said and looked at Cas. "Your meal is getting cold." Cas hesitated for a second before he came over to the table. Dean sat down opposite to Cas, like always, and then he turned to Sam.

"Did you find anything?" Sam already started to eat and was chewing so he just shook his head. "So we have to wait until Kevin gets back to health", Cas said and moved his food on his plate. Dean swallowed and tried not to think too much about what Cas had said. So instead he behaved like always and just said: "Eat up. I made that especially for you." Cas gave a slight nod and finally started to eat.

"What's going on here?", Sam asked after he swallowed his bite. "You're both acting strange."

"Nothing happened" Dean said and lowered his head to hide that he looked at Cas. "I'm just tired and my arm hurts."

"You shouldn't have made dinner. Or at least ask me to help", Cas murmured around a spoon of food.

"Maybe I should've", Dean dismissively said and finally dug into his own food and avoided any further eye contact with Cas.

When they were all finished, Sam offered to help with the dishes but Dean didn't want any help. Cas and Sam left the room without complaining and Dean started his work.

He tried not to think about what happened because he was just not ready but it was difficult. He kept repeating the scene in his head over and over again until he noticed that there was nothing more to wash. He sighed and started to tidy up the rest of the kitchen. He took more time than was probably necessary but he needed to be busy.

When he was done he went into the living-room and found Cas and Sam on the couch, watching a documentary about a culture that was long gone. He sighed loudly and Sam turned around. "Are you gonna join us?" Dean pulled his eyebrow up. "And watch this? I don't think so."

"We still have The Hobbit DVD you bought", Cas said and pointed to the table. "That sounds good."

"Great. You'll get us a beer and then this will be over", Sam absentmindedly said, already concentration on the docu again. Dean rolled his eyes at the nerdiness of his brother but he did as he was told.

When he came back Cas was putting in the DVD. Dean handed Sam his beer and settled down next to him. When Cas came back to the couch he also handed him his beer, but was careful not to touch him and if Cas noticed he didn't comment on it.

This movie was Dean's territory and whenever he remarked at a mistake or added some knowledge no one really needed to know, Sam groaned. He repeatedly told Dean to shut up but to no avail.

Cas on his other side was totally into the movie and smiled slightly. "You like the movie, Cas?"

"Yes, I do enjoy it. It's remarkable how this little hobbit decides to leave his cozy and safe home to aid people he just met. And he found so much courage on the way. I like it."

"Good", Dean whispered and turned back to the screen. They spent the rest of the movie in silence, apart from the occasional comment from Dean.

When the credits rolled Dean got the beer bottles and went back into the kitchen. When he came back Sam was already gone and Cas was waiting for him. "Dean, can we talk for a second?"

Dean's instinct was to say no. He was not ready for this talk, hell he was not even sure if he ever would be, but Cas didn't seem like he would accept a no. Dean took a deep breath and said "Fine."

Cas went back to the couch and sat down. "I'm sorry I took you by surprise. I didn't mean to tell you. I know you don't want to hear it and I don't expect anything. All I want to ask of you is that you don't let anything change because of that. Please."

Cas looked like he was afraid of what Dean had to say but Dean couldn't really think of anything to say at all and all that finally came out was "Why?"

Cas looked confused. "Why what? Why I don't want anything to change?"

Dean shook his head. "Why me?", he pressed out. Because he was a mess and broken and not a good man and at one point or another he let everyone he cares about down and now he even failed the whole planet. Again. It just made no sense that Cas would feel that way.

"Dean, you're a better man than you think." Dean let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, right. Why don't you tell that to all the people who died because of me?" "Why don't you ask all the people you saved?", Cas countered.

Dean took a step back. "I can't", he whispered and rubbed his face. "I can't have this conversation. I won't let anything change but I cannot do this right now." Cas got up and took a step into his direction but before he could say anything Dean fled out of the living-room and into his own room.

He locked the door and didn't turn on the light and just stood there for a few minutes, taking deep breathes. When he bailed on Cas he was sure he heard him whisper "I'm sorry" and wasn't that the most ridiculous thing ever. He shouldn't need to apologize just because Dean couldn't handle this.

Dean frantically moved in his room and when his foot hit the bed he cursed loudly and when he walked into the wall he screamed at it and threw his fist out. When it crashed into the wall pain exploded and he cursed some more.

Before he could find the light switch to look at the damage he'd done it knocked on his door. "Dean", Sam asked, "are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Leave me alone."

He could tell that Sam hesitated but finally Dean heard him move away. He switched the light on and looked at his hand. The skin above his knuckles was split up and bleeding. He cursed again and quickly debated whether this was worth leaving his room or not and decided against it. So he got a tissue and pressed it against his hand.

When he was sure that no more blood dripped down he switched the light off again and stumbled to his bed. He let himself crash down heavily, keeping his eyes closed despite the fact that his room was pitch black. He tried to sleep and not to think but his thoughts raced and it made him feel sick.

He couldn't wrap his head around anything and he wanted to scream again to tune out the "I'm sorry" and the "I love you" in his head. He didn't want to hear it, he didn't even want to remember it. It was everything he ever wanted and everything he could never have.

He didn't deserve Cas' love and Cas deserved so much better than him.

Because, let's be honest here, he was a barely functioning alcoholic with a brother complex. Not to mention the hundreds of deaths that were on his shoulders.

He never understood how he could be the righteous man and over the years it became clear that he wasn't righteous in any way. He fucked around, he used people, he lied and he killed without a second thought.

Except, that wasn't true, was it. He had nightmares about every person he killed and even though he pretended he didn't remembered, he remembered every single life he has taken. He always tried to drink himself stupid after he killed again but it never helped, he could never forget.

And there were so many to remember.

And every person that died because of demons now was on his shoulders too. He had stopped Sam because he couldn't live without his brother.

And now Cas fell because he couldn't stow his crap for five minutes. He had been hurt when Cas left and because of that he wasn't ready to welcome him back. That's why Cas turned to Metatron in the first place and due to that the angels fell and that was on him, too.

Dean couldn't understand how Cas could feel that way. No one should ever be able to love someone like him. He was a murderer and nothing he could ever do would change that.

Sure, Lisa loved him, he believed that, but there were so many things she didn't know about him. So many things he deliberately kept from her because he knew that if she really knew what he did, she would take Ben and leave and he had wanted what they had.

The illusion of a normal life. He'd craved that.

Of course, now Dean knew that it was nothing more than that, an illusion, and he would never make another attempt to have a family of his own.

Admitting that he felt something for Cas was already hard enough and he decided a long time ago that he would not defile Cas anymore. Dean knew that just working with him, helping him, defiled Cas. It estranged him from his family and from heaven and now all the angles wanted to kill Cas.

And it was enough. Cas had already suffered enough because of him.

And now he said he loved Dean. Dean led out a bitter laugh. After all that he had done this was hardly the reaction he expected. He had feared that Cas would hate him, blame him and Dean was so relieved when he came to the bunker and decided to stay that he pushed all the possible explanations for that away.

But now he couldn't. Cas had voiced it and now it was out in the open.

Dean briefly considered something like Stockholm-Syndrome just to explain what was happening but he knew that that wasn't it. All he knew was that he had to talk to Cas. First to find out how long Cas had felt that way and then to talk him out of it. Dean tried to imagine that conversation and over that he finally fell asleep.

The next morning Dean decided to have that talk as quickly as possible so that Cas could realize how wrong he was and then move on.

So when he came into the kitchen and found Cas alone he thought that now was the moment. "Good morning", Cas greeted him while Dean went to get some coffee.

"We have to talk", he said as he turned around. He saw how Cas' hand clenched around his mug but he nodded. "Here?", Cas asked and in this moment Sam and Kevin came in.

"Let's move into the living-room", Dean said without looking at anyone. "Everything alright?", Kevin asked with a suspicious look. "Yeah, we just have to clear up something. Bacon's in the fridge."

Sam moved to look into the fridge and Cas and Dean left the kitchen. Cas settled down on the couch but Dean was too wired up to sit still.

"We don't have to do this now, if you're not ready", Cas said after a few minutes of silence. "No, we should. We have to resolve this as soon as possible."

"There's nothing to resolve, Dean. It's just how it is."

"And that's just it. It's not like this. It can't be. You cannot feel this way." "Dean", Cas started but Dean talked right over him. "How long have you felt this way?"

Cas casted his eyes down and took a deep breath. "In retrospective? Since I got you out of hell." It felt like a punch in Dean's gut. "Why? I mean you saw what I did. To Sam and the world. You saw how I broke in hell. You saw how I failed everything I did. How I failed you."

Cas frowned. "You never failed me. You were the reason I found my way. You showed me how wrong I was when I attempted to be God and you brought me back when I lost my memory and was under Naomi's control. You saved me."

"I saved you?", Dean asked disbelieving. "How can you even say that? You died because of me. Repeatedly. You had to kill your brothers just for helping me and you lost your home and your grace!"

"This is not your fault. Those were my decisions. And I may have lost my grace but I didn't lose my home."

"But you can never return to heaven."

"Heaven hasn't been my home for a long time."

"But in the bar…you said you would go home…"

"No, you said that. You used a reference I didn't understand and assumed you were right. But you were not."

"What do you mean?"

"It was never my intention to return back to heaven. I would've closed the gates of heaven and stayed on earth."

"But you couldn't do that. All the angels would've been sent back." It took Dean a moment to really understand. "You wanted to get rid of your grace. You wanted to fall." Cas simply nodded. "And sacrifice your home? Your place amongst your brothers? For what?"

"For you, Dean. I would gladly sacrifice everything I have if it means you're safe and happy. And my home has been here for a long time now."

"You only know the bunker a few weeks."

"I'm not talking about the bunker, Dean. I'm talking about you. You're my home now."

Dean took an involuntary step back. "Don't," he said and rubbed his hand over his face. "You can't love me. So don't say that." Cas briefly looked pained but then his face became determined. "I can love whoever I want."

"But not me", Dean nearly shouted. "I'm broken, Cas. I'm a broken man whose sins exceed everyone's expectations and who defiles and fails everyone I touch."

"Is this what this is about? You think you defiled me?" Trust Cas to always get the most important point. Dean took another step back and found himself pressed against the wall, and suddenly he felt trapped.

"You have to stop, Cas. You have to stop loving me." Cas frowned. "That's not how it works, Dean, and you know it. I can't just stop feeling this way."

"You have to try", Dean desperately said. "Look what loving me does to people. What it did to Sam and Lisa and Bobby. It breaks them."

"It makes them strong", Cas countered without mercy. "Ellen and Jo, too. They fought for you, for what you stand for, because they loved you and believed it was right."

"They ended up dead", Dean brokenly said. "Bobby and Sam, too. Lisa got possessed because of me. You died three times because of me."

Cas shook his head. "I made those decisions for myself. Those are not on you."

"But they are!", Dean exclaimed. "I dragged you along and I never thought about what it might do to you." He never thought about it because he knew what would eventually come.

He saw what became of Cas in 2014. How lost and broken he was. And this was kind of the same. The Cas in 2014 told him that he lost his powers due to the angles leaving. And wasn't that what happened here? The angels left heaven and lost a great deal of their powers. And if he touched Cas now he would only drag him down. They might have averted the apocalypse but everything else could still happen.

And he would not take that risk. He would not watch another person he cared about break because of him.

While Dean was lost in his thoughts Cas came closer to him, now he was only standing a few steps away. Dean wanted to get away, to put more distance between them, but he still had the wall in his back.

"But you do think about it", Cas calmly said. "And you do care. Otherwise we wouldn't have this conversation."

"Of course I care, you asshole."

Cas nodded. "But you care too much. You care about things that are not yours to care about. You just take every burden and every fault you can find and you put it on your shoulders even though they don't belong to you."

Dean felt how his anger rose. "I have a part in everything that I shoulder, so don't you dare…"

"Exactly", Cas interrupted him, "you have a part. But they are not solely your faults. Others played into them as well. They are not only on you."

"What? You want me to blame Sam for things that weren't under his control?" Cas held his gaze. "You want to blame yourself when you did the best you could?"

"But my best isn't good enough!", Dean yelled. "It never is. No matter how hard I try. I'm never good enough. I wasn't good enough for my dad and I was never good enough for Sam. He hates this life. All he wanted to do was to become a lawyer, have a normal life and I ruined it. I forced him back into this life and he hates me for that. I know that he wants to leave." Dean finally looked away from Cas, unable to hold his gaze a moment longer.

He closed his eyes, before he started speaking again. "And I'm not good enough for you."

Cas took another step forward and was now standing directly before him. He gently laid a hand on his arm and waited until Dean looked at him again. "But you are. There's not one living person on this planet that would be better for me."

Dean's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't bare this. Cas hadn't even seen the world yet. So far his human life only consisted of this bunker. And he didn't know what he was saying.

Dean needed to get away from Cas now. He realized that it had been a mistake to ask for this talk. Dean tried to push past Cas, still having difficulties to breathe, but Cas caught his arm and turned him back around and then there were lips on his.

Dean was caught off guard and before he could really understand what was going on he gave into the soft pressure of Cas' lips. After a second it hit him what was happening and he pushed Cas away.

He saw the pain in Cas eyes but he couldn't care less right now. "Don't do this ever again. Don't you understand? I can't do this to you. Not ever", Dean said pleadingly and then he stormed out of the room.

He locked himself into his room again. He wanted to hit something but his hand was still sore and he fought against that urge.

Instead his fingers came up to touch his lips. He could still feel the soft touch of Cas' lips on his own and he wanted it again. He wanted Cas close, to hold him and to kiss him again.

But he couldn't. He never would. He would corrupt Cas with his touch and he couldn't stomach that thought.

He switched the light off and sat down on the edge of his bed. He lost himself in all the reasons he wasn't good enough for Cas and when it knocked on his door he was surprised to see that it was already past noon.

"Dean, are you alright?", Sam asked and Dean decided to ignore him. "Dean, I know you're in there. Open the door."

"Go away, Sam."

"What happened?"

"Leave."

"Fine. Then don't talk." Sam was quiet for a few moments. "I brought you food." At the mention of food Deans' stomach grumbled. He remembered that he didn't eat breakfast and he sighed heavily. Maybe he could snatch the plate out of Sam's hands before he got into the room.

He opened the door enough to get the plate but Sam pressed against it and before Dean could shut the door again he stood in his room. "What happened? You look like shit."

"Where's the food", Dean asked and turned around. "I lied. What happened between you and Cas?"

Dean wanted to curse again, because now he really was hungry, but he was too tired. "Nothing happened. Everything is fine."

"Oh, yeah? So fine that you're locked up in your room and Cas is a miserable ball on the couch? That kind of fine?"

"Exactly, Sammy. Now leave it alone."

"I will not. Not until I know what happened."

"It's complicated."

"Complicated how? That Cas is in love with you and you can't handle that? That kind of complicated?"

"I…", Dean started. "How do you know that?"

"He told me. What do you think?"

"Why did he tell you?" Sam shrugged. "It came up. As an issue."

"How could that possibly just 'come up'?"

"Tablet stuff", Sam said. "What does the tablet has to do with anything?" Sam sighed. "I'm not going to tell you. That's Cas' business. Now, will you tell me what happened or are you going to sulk in here for the rest of the day?"

"We talked, it didn't work out, I left. And now, if you don't mind, I have to go back to my sulking."

"Fine, whatever", Sam said resigned and left the room. Dean heard him leave and he started pacing through his room. He needed to get out, to get away and before he could really think he snatched the keys to the Impala from his cupboard and carefully left his room.

He was determined not to meet anyone and he made it to the kitchen. He figured some food wouldn't hurt. Dean stopped dead in the doorway when he saw Cas who refilled his mug with coffee. He quickly thought about leaving but fuck it, this was his kitchen and he deserved some food. And besides, maybe he could find out what that tablet talk was about.

"So, Sam told me there were some news on the tablet", Dean said while going over to the fridge and Cas startled. "What do you mean news? I haven't heard anything from Kevin."

"Oh, it's older. And Sam said it's your business." He finally found some bread and ham and closed the fridge, turning to Cas. "Why don't you tell me?"

"You don't want to hear it", Cas silently said. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that? Just tell me."

Cas looked into his mug as if the coffee could tell him what to do. Dean took a closer look at Cas and now he could see that Sam was right. Cas was miserable. He tried not to let it show but Dean could see the hard lines around his mouth, the bags under his eyes and the slumped shoulders. A pang of guilt went through Dean, because this was his fault. He felt the need to apologize but before he could open his mouth Cas looked at him, his eyes hard.

"Fine. You judge. Metatron needed me for the spell because the third ingredient had to be the grace of an angel in love with a human." Dean felt numb. So Cas' falling, the angels expelled from heaven…it was his fault.

"See, that's why I didn't want you to know. It's not your fault. You didn't do this."

"But I did."

"No, Dean. You have to stop this. You didn't do anything to make me fall in love with you. It's not on you. You cannot burden the weight of the world. You're going to break."

"There's nothing left to break", Dean whispered and ran out of the kitchen, the food long forgotten on the counter.

When he became aware of his surroundings again, he was in the Impala and on the road. He made a quick stop at a gas station to buy a sandwich and then he drove for nearly an hour until he found a pond near a little grove.

Dean scrambled out of the car and walked over to the pond. He stood at its side for a few minutes before he bent down to get a few stones. He threw them as hard as he could and until his shoulders hurt and only then did he fall down on his knees.

This was all too much in not enough time and he felt overrun. He couldn't handle all that guilt at once, wasn't prepared for that, and it brought him down.

It was true what he said to Cas, he believed that there was nothing left to break, everything fell apart at one point or another, but he still had the hope that maybe, someday, he could pick up the pieces and put them back together.

But now everything was in danger of being crushed, and Dean feared that there wouldn't be anything left to piece back together. That there would only be ashes and dust and not enough left of him.

And who would even put him back together? Who would care for such a broken thing like him?

'Cas' something in his head whispered. Cas cared. Who was Dean kidding? Cas knew all of his faults, maybe even more than Sam, and he never abandoned him. Cas had seen his soul, when he rescued him out of hell and he saw it here on earth. He probably knew everything about Dean. And he was willing to take that risk.

Unlike Dean, who was just too afraid to let anything happen between them. It was true that he feared to break Cas but if he really was honest he was just afraid for himself. Afraid that Cas would grow to despise him over time, that he would leave, that he would die. That Dean would fall harder for Cas than he could now imagine. Dean was afraid of getting hurt.

He let out a breath but it sounded suspiciously like a sob. It was happening too fast. If he ever came around to admit his feelings to Cas he would've preferred it if it was on his terms, if he could set the pace.

But Cas just barged in with his declaration and it left Dean abashed because how could a fallen angel have more courage than him?

Dean replayed the conversations in his head and he had to admit that Cas never wavered, never letting Dean doubt that what he said and felt was true. And Dean realized something else. He gave Cas all the right reasons to get away from him as soon as possible but he masked the one true fear he had.

Being left behind by the people he loved.

Because they died or finally realized he wasn't worth it. And he could only take so many. If Cas was about to leave him, too…. He needed Cas at his side and if this whole relationship thing went wrong he wouldn't even have his friendship.

That was what scared Dean the most. Losing Cas. But maybe he would lose Cas over this, he recognized. Maybe the fact that he had fled from Cas the last couple of days would bring the angel to reconsider, to leave. Maybe it was already too late to make it right. Dean had spent the last two days arguing why he wasn't good enough. Maybe Cas would already be gone when he came back.

At that thought Dean stumbled to his feet. He realized that it was already dark and he felt like he had somehow lost a whole day. On the way to the impala his cell started ringing and he answered it without checking for the caller ID.

He was so busy answering the phone and finding his keys that he didn't notice the two figures at the edge of the grove, watching him.

He pressed the phone between his shoulder and ear and tried to open the damn car door. "Yeah", he said. "It's time to come home," Cas said into his ear and Dean smiled. "I'm on my way."


	3. Chapter 3

So this is the last chapter. Thanks to you all who came this far and I hope you'll enjoy this. It's still unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

Cas waited in the kitchen for Dean to return. He didn't know how he knew this but he was sure something changed.

His presumption proofed to be true when Dean entered the room. He looked better than before, less crushed, and there even was a gleam in his eyes. It lifted a weight from Cas' shoulders because with the way Dean had acted those past days he was sure he ruined everything.

But now he could see determination in Dean's face and no matter what it meant for him he was glad that Dean found back to himself. Even if Cas' feelings weren't reciprocated, he could live with that. He just wanted Dean back to his normal self.

Dean tossed the keys onto the counter and sat down opposite of Cas. "Okay, listen", he started, "and I mean really listen. I need you. I need you to be at my side and I need you to be my friend." Cas nodded but before he could start any assumption to the meaning of what Dean said he went on. "I'm going to die a young and bloody death. You know that." Cas nodded again. "And I have issues. Serious issues. I'm an asshole most of the time and I'm afraid of losing you."

"Okay," was all Cas could say.

"No, you don't understand. Everyone I loved left me at some point. You cannot leave me too." He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. "You have to promise me something." He looked back up and captured Cas eyes.

"Anything."

"If this", Dean made a vague hand gesture at them both, "doesn't work out, if it doesn't go the way we want to, then we have to stop before the damage is irreparable. Before you grow to hate me."

Cas frowned. "I could never hate you."

"You have to promise."

"I do. I promise. " Cas was pretty confident that Dean kind of admitted right now that he too had feelings for Cas but he wanted to be sure. "So what you're saying is…"

"that I might be in love with you." Dean swallowed hard. "No. I am in love with you. For quite some time now. I just wasn't ready to admit it." Cas extended his hand and cupped Dean's with it. "And we have to take it slow."

"Of course", Cas assured him. "We'll figure this out."

And they took it slow, almost frustratingly so. But Cas would not push, he knew that he already pushed enough, so he took whatever Dean was ready to give him. In the beginning it was only fleeting touches, a brush of hands here or there, a press of bodies that was over too soon but eventually they began to linger.

It got even better after they told Sam and Kevin. Dean hesitated to do anything in front of them before they got it out in the open but once they told them, things got better.

Dean wouldn't move away from him when Sam entered the room and he wouldn't blush anymore if Kevin shot them a thoughtful glance.

There were brief kisses, really more pecks of lips than anything else, but they grew. And Dean initialized things more often now. He would be the one to come over and kiss Cas and he felt more and more like Dean really wanted this.

After a month of getting used to each other they moved in together. Cas claimed all the empty space in Dean's room and it fit perfectly.

Everything progressed well but sometimes Dean pushed him away or avoided him and it worried Cas. He was afraid of addressing it, afraid that Dean would say that this wasn't working for him but Cas decided it needed to be resolved.

So when they went to bed together the next day Cas asked: "What is bothering you, Dean?"

Dean stopped in the middle of changing his shirt. "Nothing is bothering me", Dean answered defensively and finished changing. "Yes, there is. You're behaving strange sometimes and we have to talk about it." Cas said down on the bed and carefully watched Dean as he came over. "I don't behave strange."

"Yes, you do", Cas said as Dean sat down on the bed as well. "You avoid me sometimes. Especially at times I think everything is fine and we're making progress. And then we have to start all over again and I want to understand why." Dean avoided his eyes. "It just…it makes me feel like you're unsure if you really want this", Cas finished, but Dean remained silent. "You're doing it again", Cas sighed. "Just tell me, so we can fix it or stop this."

That made Dean look at him. "I thought you wanted this. Why would you stop so willingly?"

"Dean, I want this. Of course I do. But I want you to be happy, not afraid or ashamed of this. If this doesn't work for you then tell me and it will be okay."

"I don't want to end this", Dean said with a frown. "And I'm not ashamed of what we have."

"But you're afraid. Of what?" Dean looked down at his lap, where his hands were playing with the cover. "Of loving you to pieces." Dean still averted his eyes. "And I mean that not in the cheesy way. I think that my love might break you."

"Why would it do that?", Cas asked, confused as to where this was heading. "Because I want this, you, so much. I'm afraid of how much I want this. And I think that if I just let go I'll crush you." Still no eye contact. Cas slightly shook his head. If this was what Dean was worrying about then it was in vain.

He put a hand under Dean's chin and gently lifted his head until their eyes met. "You can let go, you know?", Cas softly said. "I don't break that easily. And besides. I think you underestimate my feelings for you. I think that when you let go you'll find that I'll meet you just as equally. There's no need to hold back. I don't want you to."

Dean averted his eyes again and Cas nudged him. "What else?" Dean slightly blushed before he said: "I don't think I'm ready."

"There's nothing to be ready for", Cas said. "We're taking it slow, at a pace we both feel comfortable with and there's no pressure."

"I know", Dean sighed, "It's just…I'm not used to this."

"I know, Dean. I'm not used to this, either. We just have to make it up as we go." Dean smiled shyly at him and Cas leaned in to put a chaste kiss on his lips. When he drew back Dean stopped him with a hand on his cheek. "We're going slow", he said and Cas nodded. "Good", Dean breathed and moved forward to meet Cas in a very passionate kiss.

He started to pull Cas down with him and when they finally broke the kiss, Dean was laying on his back, Cas hovering over him. "Slow, huh?", Cas said, trying to catch his breath.

Dean smirked up at him. "Whatever we're comfortable with, right?", he asked, equally out of breath.

Cas dipped down to kiss him again and soon it got sloppy and wet. He was already hard and he could feel that Dean was, too. Cas started to move his hips against Dean's but Dean stopped him. "Too fast", he panted. Cas nodded and moved them so that Dean was on top of him and in control.

When they broke the kiss again Dean just stared down at him, like he was taking it all in. Cas also took a good look at Dean, moving a hand to cup his face and stroke his swollen lips.

"I love you", Cas said. Instead of an answer Dean kissed him again. Cas knew that Dean wasn't ready to admit it out loud, to say it back, but it still hurt.

After a while Dean started to rub their hips together again and Cas tried his best to remain patient, letting Dean decide the pace. And he decided to move almost painfully slow.

He made up for that though with every breath that caught in his throat and every shudder that went through him. Cas loved those little signs, knowing that it was him who had those effects on Dean.

Dean kept up the pace, moving slow and careful, but after a little while his breathing got faster and just the thought that Dean might come like this nearly send Cas over himself.

And it did a minute later when Dean really came from just moving against him. They lay together until their breathing was back to normal and Dean nuzzled his head in the crook of Cas neck and sighed content. "Did you feel comfortable with that?", Cas asked a little bemused.

Dean moved his head to look at him. "Hell, yeah", Dean said and bent down to kiss him. "But now I have to change."

Dean got up and went into the bathroom. Cas sat up and smiled to himself. He could totally get used to it, living with Dean like this.

When Dean came back, Cas got up and quickly cleaned himself and changed his boxers in the bathroom. When he entered the bedroom again, Dean was already lying in bed, waiting for him.

Cas slid down under the cover and pulled Dean close. Cas stroke his hands through the hair at Dean's neck and Dean made circles with his thumb on Cas' arm and they fell asleep like that.

The next weeks were quiet. Sam and Dean went on a few hunts, nothing major, a poltergeist here or there, and Cas stayed in the bunker.

He felt safe enough to go to Lawrence with Dean but he wouldn't risk leaving town, fearing that the angels would find him, so he kept the prophet company, who was back at translating the tablet.

His relationship with Dean made good progress and Cas felt like Dean stopped holding back. They got more comfortable around each other and Dean got more and more confident around Cas.

So when Cas and Dean made dinner there was more touching and more random kisses than was strictly necessary and obviously more than Sam was comfortable with because he kept his eyes fixed on the paper, trying to ignore them. "There's another case", he suddenly said. "Just one town over. Maybe you can come, Cas", he looked up and expectantly at them.

Cas hesitated but Dean nodded. "It's just an hour to drive. We'll be back in a day. Nothing will happen." Cas wasn't sure Dean was right but Cas itched to leave the bunker, so he nodded. "Great. We'll move tomorrow."

When dinner was ready they sat down and discussed their hunt. They always sat up a plate for Kevin but he mostly stayed in his room now. So everyone was surprised when he came into the kitchen, the tablet in one hand and his notes in the other. "I'm done", he exclaimed and swayed slightly on his feet.

Dean got up and pushed him down in a chair. "Great. Now sit down and eat something." Kevin seemed torn between telling them everything and eating so Cas said: "The tablet can wait another twenty minutes."

Kevin nodded and dug into his food like he hasn't eaten in a week, which was unlikely, since Dean made sure that Kevin ate at least once a day. Kevin gulped down his food and when he was done Sam got up to get him another plate which Kevin ate slower this time but he also finished it in no time.

He sighed and leaned back, momentarily forgetting about the tablet. They gave him a bit time to rest but after five minutes Dean moved impatiently. "So Kevin, what does it say then?" Sam asked. "Oh, right", Kevin said. "The spell can't be reversed. Well, technically it can be, but you won't do it."

"What does that mean? Of course we will reverse it. Did you see the havoc the angels did already? What do we have to do?", Dean asked. Kevin seemed to think for a moment but then he spoke. "The spell is tied to the grace. It's the main ingredient. And the grace is still tied to its former owner, Cas."

"So?", Sam asked. "So the only way to undo the spell is to destroy the grace." Kevin shot Cas a look and Cas understood. They would not reverse the spell.

"I thought the grace was used up?", Dean interjected. "It was. But the essence went into the spell. It's like…the whole spell bares the grace's signature."

"But we can destroy it? How do you destroy a grace?"

"By killing the vessel it belongs to", Cas mumbled. Dean stared at him. "But you're the vessel it belongs to."

"If you kill him the spell will be gone", Kevin added. Dean clenched his jaw and Cas laid a hand on his arm.

"Well then the angels better get used to their life on earth", Sam said.

"You don't seem too surprised", Kevin said to Cas. ""No, I am, I didn't expect this but something that Metatron said makes sense now." Everyone looked expectantly at him and he went on. "He told me to live a long life and it seemed strange. I've always wondered why he didn't just kill me."

Dean tensed again under Cas' hand. "Do the angels know that?" he finally asked. Kevin shrugged but Cas shook his head. "I don't think so. Their attacks would've been more vicious. They would've tried everything to kill me."

"They did tried to kill you", Dean reminded him. "Because they're angry. They blame me for what happened. If they knew I'm the key to go back to heaven every single one would come at me."

"So all we have to do is never speak of this again. They won't find out without the tablet or Metatron so you're safe." Cas didn't say anything to that and Dean turned to him. "What are you thinking?"

"Noting…I mean….is it fair? Is it fair that I get to live a happy life while the angels suffer because of something I did? Is it fair that humanity will suffer because of me?"

"You cannot…OK, first of all this whole mess is Metatron's fault and not yours. Secondly, it is totally fair that you get to live a happy long life. Whatever you're thinking is out of the question. You will not kill yourself and we won't do it either." Cas wanted to protest but Dean talked right over him. "You will live until you die of old age or a car crash or something. The angels will do just fine. Maybe it will do them good to live on earth for some time. Maybe they'll learn something. And you're not immortal so they will definitely get back to heaven."

"But everyone who dies….every death caused by angels will be on me."

"No they won't", Sam said. "They will be on Metatron."

Cas looked down on the table, not quiet agreeing with them but he kept silent.

When they were back in their bedroom Dean cornered him. "Do you want to die?"

"Of course not."

"Then why would you think about it?"

Cas sighed. "I feel guilty."

"About what?"

"That I didn't stop Metatron. That I helped him." Dean took a step towards him. "But you didn't know. Would you've helped him if you knew what he planned?"

"Of course not. I would've tried to stop him."

"See? It's not your fault that he lied to you. He used you and you didn't know. You have nothing to feel guilty about." Cas took a step back, away from Dean. "But I do. Just like you feel guilty about the hell gates. It's nothing that can be changed."

"I don't feel guilt about stopping Sam", Dean said haltingly. "Don't lie to me", Cas said. "I know you. And besides, I saw you watching the news with the murdered family. It screamed demons and you looked like it was your fault. As if you murdered those people. But you didn't, demons did. And if you get to feel guilty about that, then I get to feel guilty about the victims of the angels", Cas said angrily.

"It's not the same." Dean said stunned. "I made a conscious decision and you were deceived. It's not the same. You cannot compare that."

"I can and I will. Just stop. I will not kill myself but I will feel guilty all I want." Dean threw his hands up. "Fine", he yelled and walked a few feet away. When he stopped, his back to Cas, he scrubbed his face. "Just don't do anything stupid", he said, voice low.

Cas walked over to him and slid his arms around Dean's middle, resting his chin on his shoulder. "I won't do anything stupid", he whispered. 'But', he thought, 'I will most likely not fight against angels anymore.' If they got to him he would let them have their way. But that wasn't something Dean needed to know.

It seemed like he did anyways because he turned around in Cas' arms and looked at him. "Don't. Don't try to get yourself killed. Please. I cannot lose you", he said pleadingly.

"I know", Cas said and stroke Dean's face. "I won't do anything. I'm sorry."

"Don't let them do anything to you." Cas couldn't really promise that because if his siblings could get back to heaven through his death he wouldn't stop them. He understood the need to go home and it seemed unfair that because of Metatrons' spell he found his home and his siblings lost it. So no, he couldn't promise Dean that.

Instead of an answer he kissed him and Cas could see in Dean's eyes that he knew what he was doing, but Dean didn't comment on it. It seemed like Dean favoured kissing over arguing and soon they fell down on the bed.

They never really did more than getting off by rubbing against each other so Cas was a little surprised when Dean started do undress him. He caught Dean's hands and stopped him from opening more buttons. "What are you doing?", he asked.

Dean smirked at him. "Isn't it obvious? I'm taking it a step further." And with that he wriggled his hands out of Cas hold and continued to unbutton his shirt. When he reached the last button he quickly slid Cas' shirt off and kissed his chest. Cas threw his head back when Dean gently scratched his skin with his teeth.

He felt like he could get lost in Dean's touch but instead he kept himself together and started to unbutton Dean's shirt. When his hands touched bare skin there was nothing he wanted to do more than flip them over but Dean started this so he didn't. Cas just took whatever Dean was ready to give him.

When Dean went for his jeans button Cas looked up again only to find that Dean was watching him, pupils blown wide. He undid his button and fly deliberately slow and Cas writhed beneath him to get him to move faster but Dean wouldn't be hurried. When he finally started to pull the jeans down he accompanied it by kissing Cas legs as soon as they were uncovered.

Cas wriggled his legs until the jeans finally came off and then he pulled Dean back into a kiss and close enough to undo his pants. He didn't bother to do it slowly and so seconds later Dean was also just wearing his boxers and Cas hoped that they would follow the jeans soon. Dean seemed to be right there with him because a moment later he hooked his thumbs under the waistband of Cas' boxers.

Before he pulled them down he caught Cas' gaze, obviously searching for permission. He must've found it because Cas boxers went down and in the pile of clothes next to the bed. Cas moved to do the same to Dean's boxers and he slid his hands over Dean's ass in the progress which caused him to shiver.

Now that they were naked, moving against each other felt much better than before. Dean kissed him again and reached down to take Cas cock in his hand, smearing the precome over it. Cas moaned at the feeling of Dean's hand and his back arched up.

He could feel how Dean smiled into his skin while he kissed a trail down his neck. Dean started to stroke him in earnest now and it drove Cas crazy. He tried to reach for Dean's cock but Dean stopped him. Instead he wrapped his hand around both their cocks and thanks to the precome they slid together smoothly.

Cas wrapped his hands around Dean's neck and pulled him down, not quiet kissing, because he couldn't catch his breath as it was, but he wanted him close.

Dean changed the angel of his hand a bit and Cas knew that he wouldn't last if he kept that pace. "Dean", he panted but instead of an answer Dean started to twist his wrist at every stroke and that send Cas over the edge.

He came over Dean's hand and his stomach and Dean came right after him. He collapsed onto Cas, trying to catch his breath and Cas stroke his back, also trying to slow his breathing.

When Dean lifted himself up, he saw the mess they've made. "Well, at least this is easier to clean up", Cas smiled and reached down for a shirt to wipe the come off him. Dean smiled at him but didn't move a finger to help Cas, so he cleaned Dean as well.

When he tossed the shirt away, Dean moved a bit to nuzzle into Cas side, head resting in the crook of his neck, fingers trailing lazy patterns on his chest. Cas stroke his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes, just content lying like this. He turned his head to press a kiss into Dean's hairline and mumbled: "I love you."

He felt how Dean tensed up and started to move away from him. "I'm not ready to say it back", he said after he put some space between them. "I'm sorry. But I can't. Not yet. I'm sorry." Cas pulled him back down again, until they lay like before. "I know. And it's okay. I know you do and that's enough. You will be able to say it one day. It will come, don't worry."

He scratched Dean's head soothingly and soon he relaxed again. "Thanks", Dean whispered into his skin and soon after that he drifted off.

The hunt on the next day went very well. It was an angry spirit, a woman who was killed by her husband, but after they burned the bones the spirit was gone and they were back on their way home.

Sam and Dean called it a success but Cas couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched. He had searched their whole surroundings but found nothing, so he didn't mention it, not wanting to dampen their good mood.

When they got back to the bunker Dean decided that they had to celebrate Cas first successful hunt and he went to get Kevin, while Cas and Sam got the beers out of the fridge.

Cas still couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched but he felt safe in the bunker so he pushed that feeling away. They celebrated their hunt by watching the first season of Game of Thrones and after that they went to bed.

From then on Cas would accompany the brothers on hunts that weren't too far away and during time the feeling of being watched subsided. Back at the bunker he soon felt trapped and enjoyed every trip they made, missing the air and open roads.

When there were quiet periods, when no hunting was needed, he would sometimes walk the fields around the bunker. He felt more at peace when he could leave the bunker every now and then but Dean always worried and made him take his angel blade and a phone. Soon he didn't need to be reminded of that, it became a habit, but he never needed them.

Since that day at the tattoo studio neither of them encountered, or even caught a glimpse, of an angel. Cas wondered about that but he promised Dean he wouldn't do anything stupid, so he didn't search for them.

Instead he took more and more walks and he started to drag Dean along to show him that it was perfectly safe. Winter finally found its way into Lawrence and it was freezing outside but Cas needed to be outside tonight so he went to look for Dean to get him to walk with him.

He found him, Sam and Kevin in the library, hunched over papers and brochures. "Research?", he asked as he entered the room.

Dean looked up and smiled at him. "Nah. Kevin wants to go back to college and we're trying to figure out how to accomplish that." Kevin beamed up at him. "I thought that after I translated both tablets I'm kind of on a hopefully very permanent break. So maybe now I can actually do what I want."

"You deserve it", Cas said, feeling strangely proud of the prophet. He had indeed done good and deserved his own life. He looked back at Dean who eyed the jackets Cas was carrying.

"You're going somewhere?" Cas shrugged. "I wanted to go for a walk and was going to ask if you would like to join me, but if you're busy", he trailed off and turned to leave.

"No, no, wait", Dean said as he scrambled to his feet. "I could use a break. I'm coming." Cas smiled slightly, and turned back around. "You knew I would come", Dean said and boxed him fondly. "Of course I did", Cas smiled and together they went out of the bunker.

It was a beautiful night, starry but ice cold and their breaths came in white puffs. Cas nestled deeper into his jacked and Dean smiled. "Whished you stayed in, huh? We could've done things that got you warm in no time."

"There's always time for that when we come back", Cas said and briefly kissed Dean who reached for his hand. "I guess there is", he agreed as they walked down a path.

Everything was alright until all of a sudden the feeling of being watched came back. Cas tensed and Dean turned to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"Where's your angel blade? We're not alone", Cas hissed. Dean looked confused for a second but after Cas got his angel blade out he also pulled his from his sleeve. "What do you mean we're not alone?"

"It happened before", Cas said as he scanned the area. "I think we're being watched." Dean also looked around, now on alert and tense. "We should get back. Wait until morning and then search the fields."

Cas nodded in agreement but when they turned around they faced two angels. "Inias", Cas greeted, voice tight. "Ephraim."

"Castiel", Inias said with a nod of his head. "It took us a long time to find you."

Dean pulled Cas behind him and shot him a look that clearly said 'nothing stupid', before he turned back to the fallen angels. "What do you want?"

"We want our revenge", Ephraim said. "We want satisfaction."

"I understand that. But leave Dean out of it", Cas desperately said from behind Dean's back. "He has nothing to do with it."

"Oh, I think that's not entirely true", Inias said and snapped his fingers. Dean was now standing between Ephraim and Inias, an angel blade at his throat, forced to stand still. Cas made a step forward but Inias motioned for him to stay away, the order underlined by more pressure on Dean's throat.

"You know what I never understood?", Inias asked conversationally. "What Hester said about Dean. That he corrupts. That you lost your way once you touched him." He looked thoughtfully at Dean who just shot him a death glare. "But I think now I do."

He turned back to Cas, anger all over his face. "Look at what he did to you. He domesticated you! You were a warrior of God and now you take night walks with your lover. Living a happy life instead of fighting Metatron. Instead of helping your siblings. You truly lost your way."

"I did not. I found something you could never understand. I found my place."

"Ah, right. Your place. What about our place? About the home we lost because of you?"

Cas feared for Dean's life and all he wanted to do was tell them about the spell but Dean shook his head at him, willingly taking a cut under his chin. So Cas remained silent.

"Do you remember the day at the tattoo shop? We told you we would take away your home for what you did to us." He smiled maliciously at Cas and summoned an angel blade. "And I think we just found yours."

And with that he turned around and sank the blade into Dean's chest.

Dean's eyes widened and Cas screamed his name as he rushed forward to catch him. Inias and Ephraim disappeared instantly and Cas slumped down to the ground, Dean half in his lap. He frantically tried to stop the bleeding, telling Dean to just hold on a bit, but when there was no response he went still.

He lifted his eyes to Dean's face and he could see that it was already too late. Dean had still that surprised look on his face but there was no light in his eyes. Dean was dead.

Cas put his fingers to Dean's neck, searching for a pulse he knew wasn't there anymore. After a minute or so he let his hand fall back down, sitting perfectly still.

After a while he moved to close Dean's eyes, unsettled by how dead and hollow they were when just twenty minutes ago they looked at him with love and warmth.

He thought about taking the blade out but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He wasn't even capable of thinking straight. He just sat there, Dean's head in his lap and he barely noticed the cold or the blood that seeped into his jeans.

A while later the ringing of his phone jolted him out of his daze. He tried to get it out but it was difficult with the half dried blood on his hands but after a few more rings he managed it. It was Sam. "Yeah", he answered the phone.

"Where are you? It's been over an hour. We've decided a collage for Kevin." Sam sounded genuinely happy.

"Dean is dead", Cas said, voice flat and bare of every emotion. "We're on the field behind the bunker." There were a few seconds of silence on the phone. "What do you mean, he's dead? Are you…don't move, I'm coming over," Sam said and ended the call.

Cas let the phone fall to the ground. As if he ever would leave Dean. Dean needed him. He could never leave.

Cas couldn't keep track of time but some minutes must've passed because suddenly Sam was there. He fell on his knees, hands hovering over the hilt of the blade.

"No", he choked out, tears already flowing down his checks. "What happened?" he demanded as he pulled the knife out, producing a sickening wet noise. Blood oozed out of the wound, already half frozen. Cas closed his eyes.

"Angels", he managed to say. "Inias and…and Ephraim. They went straight for him."

"Why? They're angry at you, not him." Cas snapped his eyes open. "He was my life, my home. They wanted to punish me." Cas came to his feet. "We have to get him inside", he said. "Prepare his funeral."

Sam took Deans' body up and slowly came to his feet. "No, we have to figure out what to do next. How to bring him back", Sam desperately said.

"We won't do anything", Cas said determined and extended his hands demanding Dean's body. "What do you mean?" Sam asked confused. "We have to make a deal or find a spell or something."

"We're not going to make a deal", Cas declared. "Give him to me", he added after a few moments when Sam didn't move a muscle. Sam reluctantly gave him Dean's body.

"But we have to", Sam started. "Dean wouldn't want it", Cas said as he got a better grip on the body. Dean's head fell into the crook of his neck, the exact position he liked to sleep in. But he would never to that again.

"He made a deal for me when I died", Sam slowly said. "And how did it made you feel after you found out? After he died?" Cas was angry now. Angry at the angels for killing Dean, angry at Sam for not letting go.

"He couldn't live with it and you know it. It would be another thing weighing on him and he couldn't handle it. And he is in heaven now, where he belongs. So no, we're not making a deal", Cas said determined and started to walk towards the bunker, Dean's dead body a heavy weight in his arms.

He walked towards the infirmary, not willing to bring the body into their bedroom. He didn't want this to be his last memory of Dean in their room.

He gently laid the body down on the day bed, Sam close behind him. Cas went to get some water and a cloth and he found that he was awfully calm.

He carefully started to clean Dean's body of the blood and halfway through Sam began to speak again. "What are you going to do?", he asked and sounded thirty years older. Cas quickly took his eyes off his work and looked over to Sam only to find that he also looked older. Like the walk down here cost him years of his life.

Cas went back to his work. "I'm not going to kill myself, if that's what you ask."

"No, I didn't mean that. The angels…"

"They have to suffer", Cas spit out, feeling cold determination settle in on him. "They could've killed _me_ and regained entry into heaven but they decided to kill Dean instead and they have to suffer for that. I'm going to live a long life and maybe I'll even find a way to make the spell permanent", Cas said coldly.

"You're punishing the humans as well", Sam pointed out with a tired voice. Like he didn't even have the strength to argue.

"I don't care", Cas screamed. "I want them to burn and fret and despair", he said quieter now but without a hint of emotion other than hate. Hate was all he had left. "Humanity will recover", he continued, "but the angels, they need to be punished. They're not going to get me but I will watch them suffer like they deserve and it will bring me joy."

Sam didn't comment on that but he also didn't move to help Cas with cleaning the body. When Cas was done he went into their room to get Dean's favourite clothes and when he entered it he noticed for the first time that he felt like a part of him was missing.

He stopped to consider this feeling of being hollow, too light and fragile, and decided that it was good. It would always remind him that Dean was missing.

He fetched the clothed and when he went back into the infirmary he found Sam on the floor next to the bed, a crying mess. He stepped around him and concentrated on dressing Dean's body.

When he was done he went to get Kevin. The prophet didn't believe him at first but after he saw the body tears appeared in Kevin's eyes.

"No", Cas stopped him, "you cannot cry right now. I need your help. We have to gather some wood for the funeral."

Kevin looked at him, shell shocked. "But maybe there's something we can do. A deal or…"

"No deals", Cas yelled at him and stormed out of the room. He collected the wood himself and with every log that he picked up another crack appeared in him until he was sure he must shatter at the lightest impact. He prepared everything and when he went inside again he found Kevin and Sam huddled together, holding each other.

"We'll do it now", Cas declared and took Dean's body in his arms again. Outside he laid him down on the wood and covered him in salt and fuel. When he turned back he noticed that Sam and Kevin actually made it outside.

He lit a match and he felt how the first piece of him began to crumble. He threw the match at the body and as it caught fire it all collapsed.

He was broken, crushed. The angels killed his love, his home, his heart and now there was nothing left for him except hate.

He felt emptiness and loneliness creep up on him but he would defy them. He may be broken but hate is a good goad and he would live a long, long life to punish the angels for what they did. He decided that this would be the new goal in his life as he watched Dean's body turn to ashes.


End file.
